imbalance

I wasnt in a good mood recently,
the reason is simple.

I found tat it is pretty hard to find the balance between being funny and gaining respect.
It always happen to me I guess, and I knew some of my friends face the same problem, friends like Aiyin, and we talked about that when we were in Liverpool.

Yes, I think it is really difficult to become a funny person, yet people can respect you.
Because most of the time, the boundary of people laughing with you or laughing at you is unclear.

All this while, I try to become a funny person that bring laughter to people, and I knew some of my friends appreciate me for doing that.

But ofcourse, there are some poeple who treat funny person as a buffoon, and in certain extent I found that these people's reaction or response is actually too much, and they probably didnt realize it.

When you are taking the role as a funny person in a group,
people tends to treat you like a friendly, easy-going, close friend.
People laugh when they are talking with you, people smile when they are looking at you.

But out of certain extent there are somes who treat you like an idiot or fools, who never grow up with a childish attitude.
These people dont appreciate your role really, they dont really care about you, they wanted to see you so that they can laugh at you.

At this point, I have found that many of these people had totally forget the role of the funny person took in the group.
When one has taken this role too often, people no longer laugh with you, but they laugh at you.

And I think I know how to interpret the diffrence between laugh with me or laugh at me,
just that I cant distinguish these two things when I needed to.

Sometimes, I dont even know who am I and who I want to be.
People who know me well should realize that I have actually multiple characters (like anybody else, perhaps I have few more) and it depends on which occasion, location, and the group I'm in to become who I want to be.

If you asked me,
I think I wasnt that funny,
and I wasnt that serious.

But one thing for sure,
I want respect.

Not that kinda respect which you need to give me a tribute,
but the respect that shown that you appreciate me for being myself.

Human is sensitive,
and I think I know what it feels like if (when) people are laughing at me,
at that moment the feeling is always strong, and I know someone is insulting me.

Dont get me wrong,
I am happy to be myself,
I am rily please to become a person that owns multiple characters,
sometimes it feels good when you can switch roles in different occasions,
some might claim it is tired to put on the mask,
who wasnt huh? but still I think no matter which character I am taking, as long as that's me then I am please.

Who the true side of myself?
Again, I think I wasnt that funny or that serious.
I am just me, and I am happy to be me.

Until today, I still feel happy for taking the multiple roles among friends.
and Im sure I will continue to serve this need as long as my friends like it.

Once again, I think I need to clarify,
I am still happy, like Aiyin did.

But I can't pretend myself like a fool and idiot when I get insult and act like nothing happen.
In many cases, I think I am not happy with the way people react, they repeat, repeat and repeat...
Still I didnt change my character, because if I did, that certainly means I was wrong previously.

One last thing that cross into my mind when I am saying 'just be myself',
I think I am not an extremist to label myself as me myself.

A person tat believe blindly in the theory of 'be myself' is problematic,
because he/she couldnt accept criticism and these people dont often apologize.

When they have do something wrong,
they don't admit that it was their fault,
but in an opposite position,
they blame the others for not accepting themselves for being who they are.

I think this kinda extremist mindset is sick.
If one who think 'be yourself' is the greatest character that everyone should own,
I am sure that 'be yourself' is only an excuse to wipe-off your fault.

When one criticize you,
you can't just say 'I'm just being me myself, so fuck off if you dont like the real me'

Can you imagine what would happen to this world if everyone owns this kinda mindset?

So,
who is the real me?
am I being the true side of me myself all this while?

I dont really know,
because if I did,
that would translate to 'I am a person who know myself and be myself',
then when one criticize me I shall tell them 'I'm just being me myself, so fuck off if you dont like the real me'

But I wont say that.
You see, I am not an extremist.

My point is, it is impossible to understand yourself and being yourself at the same time.
Everyone has their own weaknesses, and they would like to hide it ofcourse.
Are you sure you are being yourself when you are saying that?

To be yourself, is pretty easy actually.
You dont have to analyze your own character, you just be yourself.
Be yourself who bring laughter to the others, and be yourself who might make someone angry to you.

That's yourself.

So, the only chance that conflicts could happen,
is the moment that one who being himself/herself is doing that in the wrong time.

Again, I repeat, I wasnt that funny or serious,
and when I am slighty slanting against either side,
I think I am being a real me myself, but at the same time, I am not.

After all, it wasnt that important to study one character whether he/she is being himself/herself or not.
Respect is still a very fundamental thing in making friends, and I think this element is even greater than 'faith' and 'loyalty' when we are talking about friendship.

Eventhou 'respect' can be shown in people's action or words and 'faith' and 'loyalty' live in our heart, but without 'respect' I think the friendship is dead anyway.

And since the matter of respect is totally off, in the end I think faith and loyalty wasnt that important anymore.